Soon I am going to turn 23 years old and so before that, I wanted to look back even though it wasn’t my kind of thing to do. To sum up, a lot has happened in one year. I no longer remember the count of my failures. Strangely 2021 felt long and cold yet burnt me like wildfire. I surely can attest that it turned me into an adult. A loner. Mr Jung’s personality test might fail to see the change in my personality but I can feel and understand, empathize with the soul trapped inside my bones. It, surely, at many occasions failed to hide my fresh wounds in public but made a great effort to cure them silently on its own.
The definition for loving yourself I learnt said, “love all your thorns as much you adore your petals and leaves.” When you put it into practice, it might not always be on the path leading to success. As a teenager, I never once crossed the roads where I hated myself. But then what happened at 22? I ask. Maybe I became more conscious about which side of me to display to whom. Or maybe I was more invested in hurting, more precisely, never forgiving the people who took advantage by poking on my exposed injuries.
It all started when I stopped questioning my action/ counteractions, I suppose. I desperately wanted to bring justice to myself and didn’t care about the process.
And, that’s how I lost myself.
The part of me who always loved and adorned all my other sides were lost. Lost in rage, I believe.
Now, I only remember all my mistakes, my dark parts. My petals are withered. My green leaves are shrivelled. I see no beauty inside of me.
In all the mess that emerged one thing, I wish to remember and remind you is that I do not HATE who I’ve become. In simpler words, I just only do not like how I’ve become. I do not give up on loving myself although I do not find the reason or strength to do it now. But I still haven’t given up. And, I won’t.
I believe that one day I’ll again bloom and bear some beautiful buds and healthy leaves. Because I only can bring them. Because I only possess them.
I believe the spring will come and so until then, I shall focus on acquiring all the energy to be reborn again.
“I believe, not giving up is also a part of loving yourself”